So, I had surgery. It was unexpected, unplanned, and unwanted, but necessary if I hope to conceive. Anne-Marie and I have been trying since January only to find out that I was full of fibroids and one especially large one that matched the size of my uterus itself. These past 9 months have tested me and my will while also bringing some pretty amazing and selfless people into my life. Yes, I’ve had physical pain, but I never contributed it to anything with my lady parts since my periods were fine and never painful. Anyway, I was a candidate for a robotic myomectomy because of the size and number of fibroids. I ended up with four holes instead of the three which left my insides rattled and shredded from my ribs down and my recovery way more painful than I expected based on a previous laproscopic procedure I had had years ago. This much longer than expected forced time off and alone, still and quiet, has given me time to rest and truly reflect. That sounds so hokey and weird, but after the first 4 days or so of lying in bed drugged and unable to do much more than sleep and watch TV, I was then faced with forced time at home – not sick per say, so still able to think and feel and functional basically which over the next 7 days has really been something I realized that I truly needed.
For those of you that don’t know, I work for myself as a massage therapist taking clients for bodywork and I am a Crossfit coach (but currently on a hiatus from coaching to refocus my energies on things that are more financially lucrative. it pains me to admit it, but i do need to put food in my fridge and coaching although fed my passion for fitness and helping people, it was causing me to suffer in other ways.) I’ve switched over to working privately with athletes and the general public on how to move more efficiently for their life or their sport. I also own a yoga studio and teach several asana classes.
Owning a yoga studio is a bittersweet reality – it is a business that I give most of my attention to and receive no salary from – for 7 years. It fills my heart to provide the space to the community and at the same time it strips away at my ability to provide for myself and my family. All of this leaves me hanging on the razor’s edge of a cliff of anxiety at all times hustling to fill my book, keep my classes full, and keep the doors open at the studio. That low tremor of anxiety has been so bad that yoga couldn’t even bring ease and I had to be medicated for awhile – ironic for a yogi of almost 20 years. The hum of the worry and the tension is always there and only from this forced house arrest have I been able to step away from it and really feel how bad it was and how much better it is. Even at about day 4 or 5 of this when I was starting to get my wits about me, I could feel the tension, anxiety and sick-to-my-stomach feelings rise up a bit as I thought about what was needing to be done and what wasn’t getting tended to. Thank Ganesha I have the most amazing studio manager, mother, and wife who were all there and all in in easing my mind! I would have to say to myself, out freaking loud, that it is all taken care of and I didn’t even have to think twice about it or rush into Norfolk or drive all over town to meet the needs of my clients. I had no choice but to stay put and trust my support system – and they were rock stars! Now, the sensation is tangible of that ever-present knot slowly unraveled.
So, here I am with almost 2 weeks at home, relearning new movement patterns, retraining my brain to be present, reminding myself to move slower. In relearning how to move again, I had to go back to square one on how to get out of bed, stand up, sit down (oh, the toilet), go up and down the stairs. Every single breathe I took for almost 7 days felt calculated to be sure that I didn’t cough or laugh since my diaphragm just couldn’t fully expand – even talking was a mindful and sometimes labored process. In retraining my brain, I chose to reform thought patterns and create practices that gave me some headspace. I rekindled my meditation practice and made a promise to myself to write more often. I’ve had to slow way down and take my time which may mean I work less and make less when I’m back which terrifies me, but I really have to find the balance.
All of this being said, Anne-Marie and I are also going to make a concerted effort to get back to posting on Brute Yogi WOD for you all. If you don’t have a blog of your own, let me tell you that this rodeo of writing and editing and organizing and re-reading and re-writing and then finding images, is no friggin’ joke! There are many in my life that make it look effortless and they are my heroes.
Stay tuned and Namaste Strong (see what we did there!?)